Fifth Column

ENGLAND WORLD CUP REPORT (in brief)

2006-07-01T12:37:00.000-07:00

England 0-0 Portugal
(Portugal win 3-1 on penalties)

Another quarter-final, another "heroic" defeat for England on penalties.
What is it in the English psyche which means we lack the steel to beat a keeper from 12 yards under pressure?
Proven worldbeaters like Frank Lampard (who had a terrible tournament) and Steven Gerrard (who had a fine one) were not up to the task.
Only Owen Hargreaves, who tellingly plays his football in German league, had the gumption to slide the ball home.
But really this England side should have had enough to beat Portugal within the regulation 90 minutes.
Sure, Wayne Rooney lost his noggin - partly thanks to clubmate Cristiano Ronaldo - but his red card was borne of the frustration of playing as a lone striker.
Rooney's industry made 4-5-1 look a reasonable formation, but it was a waste of probably the most talented deep-lying striker in the game.
The folly of taking too few front men was cruelly exposed and the dream is over once again for another four years.

RANDOM TOP 10 - Commentary Cliches

2006-06-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

A Game of two halves - 10 things World Cup Commentators must say:

1. At all England matches drop in a reference or 20 to 1966.
2. Always refer to the ahleticism and naivety of African teams.
3. When Portugal are playing make sure you harp back to the Golden Generation.
4. Burst into raptures about Brazilian flair whenever one of their players kicks the ball straight.
5. Talk about the ruthless efficiency of the Germans.
6. Mention the cynical mentality of the Italians - especially if there's a foul.
7. Penalties are always a cruel way to finish any game.
8. Talk about the Latin temperament in any match involving South Americans, Portugal or Spain.
9. Atmospheres should be either a cauldron or a festival.
10. Talk of FIFA directives should accompany any booking or sending-off.

ENGLAND WORLD CUP REPORT (in brief)

2006-06-19T02:35:00.000-07:00

England 2-0 Trinidad&Tobago

Okay so not quite worldbeaters then, panelbeaters perhaps.
As, er, mighty England struggle for 83 minutes to break down an admittedly determined T&T defence.
After playing well for 20 minutes, Becks and co panic and revert to route one, lumping the ball upfield in the hope that that it might hit Peter Crouch.
Eventually it works and Steven Gerrard adds a brilliant second a couple of minutes later to spare Sven's blushes.
Wayne Rooney takes all the credit after coming on for the last half hour, but it's actually Aaron Lennon - introduced at the same time - who gets the side going with some stirring runs down the right flank.
"Wazzer" - and gawd 'elp us! Owen Hargreaves - start against Sweden tomorrow (Tuesday).
Expect a lame draw for the chance to meet Ecuador in the next round.
In a Word: Desperate
Out of 10: 5

ENGLAND WORLD CUP REPORT (in brief)

2006-06-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

England 1-0 Paraguay

England looked good for 30 minutes, then fell away dismally and looked downright nervous for much of the second half against a stubborn, but very average Paraguayan side.
Beckham, Crouch and Joe Cole did well, everyone else varied from mediocre to poor.
The biggest worry was Michael Owen who looked slow and disinterested and was deservedly substituted early in the second half, though why he was replaced by Downing is anyone's guess.
But still they say the first game is always the worst and we've got three points in the bag - courtesy of an own goal - and sit proudly at the top of our group.
If we go on and knock three or four past Trinidad & Tobago, everyone will be saying we're worldbeaters.
In a Word: Indifferent
Out of 10: 5.5

THE LIBERTINE - DVD Review

2006-06-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Johnny Enters into the Breeches
Not a lot happens in The Libertine, which is surprising, considering it's about one of the most lascivious rakes in British history.
Essentially it's a series of long monologues strung together with bits and pieces of biographical detail and the odd, very tastefully shot, louche encounter.
A perfect vehicle for the enduring brilliance of Johnny Depp, the film is a flawed but charming account, of an extremely flawed, but by all accounts, devilishly charming man.
The film is bookended by two speeches from Depp as the Earl of Rochester, a 17th century wretch whose appetite for self-destruction makes Pete Doherty look like Mother Teresa.
In the first the Earl assures us that we won't like him and he pops up at the end to say I told you so.
The fact that we do like and care for such a selfish and latterly, deformed and pox-ridden monster is a testament to the power of Depp's acting.
We see a man who's brilliance is at odds with his self-loathing, an outstandingly gifted poet, dramatist and politician who believes excess leads to the palace of wisdom, but finds only sickness, misery and contempt.
A moving story of a thrilling, but wasted life, The Libertine is overlong and a trifle self-indulgent, but worth the price of rental for Depp's performance alone.
In a Word: Elegaic
Out of 10: 6.5

FIFTH COLUMN RANT: Celebrity Appeals

2006-05-25T04:27:00.000-07:00

Charity Begins At Home

Nothing gets my goat more than celebrities asking us for money.
Events like Live Aid, Soccer Aid, Sport Relief and even Children in Need raise millions for good causes, but they wouldn't be necessary if those greedy bastards demanding our pledges handed over a tiny proportion of their annual income to the very charities they are begging us to cough up for.
Robbie Williams' smug fizzog is enough to make anyone want to vomit.
But to see him shedding tears for Aids orphans when he's rolling around in enough cash to buy a small country, truly makes me sick.
Why should we have to dig in our pockets, when through our licence fees, we're already lining the bank accounts of the likes of Davina, Jonathan Ross and Fiona Bruce.
I have infinitely more respect for the likes of Andre Agassi, Johnny Depp and Roy Keane, who give without fanfare, than the legions of grinning, preening leeches, who seize on a charity appearance as a way of enhancing their miserable careers.
If the uber-rich dug as deep as they're constantly urging us to do, there'd be a lot less poverty, disease and inequality in this world.
So go on you scummers get out your cheque-books for a change and spare us the agony of another charity marathon!

DA VINCI CODE - Film Review

2006-05-25T03:52:00.000-07:00

Leonardo Bravado

Denounced by British critic Mark Kermode as the "dullest movie ever made", Da Vinci Code had serious scribes laughing like drains on its unveiling in Cannes.
The reception was so bad that star Tom Hanks had a hissy fit and flew back to the US leaving director Ron Howard to face the critical crucifixion alone.
But you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and a book about riddle-solving nerds, who stumble on Christianity's greatest secret is hardly going to make for a masterpiece of cinema.
Yes the dialogue is risible, the plot ridiculous and the raft of exposition tiresome, but as a thriller it's really not that bad.
The performances are generally good, with Jean Reno in particular doing well with his thinly-sketched Opus Dei cop.
But its our own Sir Ian McKellen who saves the movie, with a camp as Christmas performance that brings light relief from the silly cod-seriousness of the conspiracies and diabolical dealings in darkened rooms.
Not by any stretch of the imagination The Greatest Story Ever Told, Da Vinci Code won't win any Oscars, but I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon.
And it saves you having to read the bloody book!
In a word: Passable
Out of 10: 6

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III - Film Review

2006-05-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

Ethan Saves Tom from Self-Destruction

It's been quite an eventful year for Tiny Tom - what with Katie and the baby and all that speculation over whether he's gone completely off his noodle.
However one look at MI:III is enough to suggest that, while his off screen image may be floundering in a sea of Scientology and innuendo, he remains a capable and convincing

action hero.
Blissfully free of the ego-out-of-control John Woo doppelganger nonsense of the second flick, this sequel returns to the team ethic of the first movie and the original TV series.
Ving Rhames lends fatherly support and there's able assistance too from Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and the glamorous Maggie Q.
Our very own Simon Pegg, of Spaced and Shaun of the Dead fame, also pops up as a timid computer geek.
The Ethan Hunt of MI:III is more world-weary and vulnerable than we've seen before and makes some pretty catastrophic mistakes.
He's led a merry dance by Philip Seymour Hoffman's master villain and at one point is made to sit like a shame-faced schoolboy, while being comprehensively bollocked by his boss (Laurence Fishburne).
There's a dreadful schmaltzy love story which gets in the way of the action, but on the whole this is great escapist fare.
The pace seldom drags and the plot is well constructed with a series of spectacular set-pieces.
Character development is non-existent and I guarantee that you'll forget 90 per cent of what happens the minute you leave the theatre, but then that's hardly the point.
The first of the big summer blockbusters, MI:III sets a standard others will struggle to match.
Out of 10: 6.5
In a word: Explosive

RANDOM TOP 10 - Dead Certs

2006-04-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

10 Things That Were Bound to Happen

1. Wayne Rooney would get injured just before the World Cup
2. John Prescott would get caught with his pants down after claiming the moral high ground
3. Davina wouldn't get a new series
4. Take That would reform.... without Robbie Williams
5. Politicians would suddenly go green on the eve of the council elections
6. Syed would get fired on the Apprentice
7. Bush's ratings would plummet - even Americans aren't that dumb
8.Tamzin Outhwaite would "turn her back" on her er, rocketing Hollywood career in favour of ITV dramas
9. Sylvester Stallone would make another Rocky
10. James Blunt would make a stunning, life-changing long player (just kidding!!!!)

If you've a better top 10 please let me know

A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE - DVD Review

2006-04-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

Stiff Script Causes Viggo Mortis

Director David Cronenberg clearly had high ambitions for A History of Violence,
but sadly comes up short.
The film has a neat, but simple premise as man with a past, Tom Stall (Viggo Mortensen),
sees his all-American lifestyle crumbling after a spot of well-intentioned heroism.
Tom's exploits mean instant TV fame, but his 15 minutes attracts the unwelcome attention
of the mob in the shape of the creepily menacing Ed Harris.
This could have been a great movie about how once tainted with evil, we can never escape its clutches; about how its stain spreads like circles in a pond to envelop those we love and hold dear.
But Cronenberg bottles it, opting instead for stagey horror-film violence and a rather silly pat ending.
In between times we get an under-developed sub-plot of a bullied son and a rather odd sex scene, which seems to suggest you can blow away as many people as you like as long as you're a half decent shag.
After her brilliant turn in The Cooler, Maria Bello is wasted as Tom's sexy lawyer wife and William Hurt is hopelessly miscast as Tom's gangland boss brother.
All in all too much claret and too little clarity.

Out of 10: 5.5
In a word: Sloppy

EDITORS The Back Room - CD

2006-04-27T03:05:00.000-07:00

Hacks' The Way to Do It

Despite relatively little press fanfare, Editors' The Back Room is comfortably
outselling the debut efforts of media darlings Babyshambles and Bloc Party.
And once again the great British public has got one over on the self-pronounced

harbingers of the zeitgeist, because this is a fine debut album.
Instead of relying on image, Editors have devoted their energies to the music,

springing fully-formed from their Staffordshire Uni roots with a well crafted collection of songs.
Singer Tom Smith is already tired of comparisons to Joy Division's Ian Curtis and there's no
denying the connection with Manchester's legendary merchants of doom.
But if they sound like anyone, it's criminally underrated '80s sultans of shimmer Kitchens of Distinction.
Tom's voice has echoes of Patrick Fitzgerald's dulcet tones and there's a similar sense of barely restrained broiling fury.
Less gimmicky than the likes of Franz Ferdinand and more mature than their aforementioned peers, Editors are edgy, smart and accomplished.
Unusually for a first record, there's a sustained brilliance across The Back Room's 11 tracks and there's
a real sense that this is an album rather than a collection of singles and space-fillers.
Whether they can keep it going is another matter, but you'd be a fool to bet against them.
Dreadful sleeve art though!

Out of 10: 7.5
In a Word: Bullet-proof

RANDOM TOP 10 - Pet hates

2006-04-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

10 Small But Deeply Annoying Things

1. Public displays of affection
2. Inserts in newspapers
3. Craig Bellamy
4. Pub Quiz teams with more than six members
5. Belgium
6. Noel Edmonds' deluded belief that he's the reason for the success of Deal or No Deal
7. Cellophane packaging - particularly on vegetables
8. Simon Fuller
9. The baby boss in the Triple Velvet loo roll ads
10. The latest fad for TV game and quiz stations

If you've a better top 10 please let me know.

THE BUSINESS - DVD Review

2006-04-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

A film about guns, gear and geezers The Business is a vehicle for up-and-coming hooligan star Danny Dyer, who continues to mature as an actor, despite still looking all of about 12.
About as original as a knock-off Picasso it follows the story of an East End boy gone bad, who gets out of his depth selling coke on the Costa with a bunch of trigger happy wide boys with all over tans.
The '80s setting is laid on thick - loud casual track suit fashions are all the range and we even get one character wrestling with a Rubik's cube, but it seems as much of an excuse to sell the soundtrack as anything else. It's all a sort of provincial Grand Theft Auto, without the joystick.
The gang start out dealing dope and the money pours in, but the switch to Colombian marching powder proves disastrous and pretty soon the boys are down on their luck and turning on each other.
Sexy Beast did this kind of thing miles better, but it's a mildly-diverting couple of hours and better than most of the cheap crap we churn out in Blighty these days.

In a word: Sunburnt
Out of 10: 6

BASIC INSTINCT 2 - Film Review

2006-04-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

Mutton Dressed As Ham

Believe me, Basic Instinct 2 is every bit as bad as you imagine it will be.
Confused, overwrought and about as raunchy as a case of mumps, it makes the original look like Citizen Kane.
Sharon Stone does her best with the pitiful script and looks pretty good with her clothes on.
Sadly in the film's (surprisingly few) sex scenes her naked frame is rather less appealing.
No amount of Vaseline on the lens can hide the fact that she's been stretched and stitched beyond all recognition.
Her skin is so plastic I was reminded of David Bowie when he reveals his true appearance in The Man Who Fell to Earth.
That aside, she's still the best thing in it, the usually reliable David Morrissey looks in every scene like he'd rather be anywere else and David Thewlis, clearly realising he's in a turkey, plays it for laughs - blathering away in a ridiculous Welsh accent.
Everyone else is either about as animated as an Ikea flat pack, or dispatched within seconds of being introduced.
Both in Stan Collymore's case! - Vinny Jones he aint! And that's not supposed to be a compliment!

In a word: Flaccid
Out of 10: 3

MORRISSEY Ringleader of the Tormentors - CD

2006-04-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

That Bloke Isn't Funny Anymore

When I first listened to Ringleader of the Tormentors, I hated it.
Now after several plays I've come round a bit, but I'm still not convinced.
Mozzer's follow-up to You are the Quarry wants to be grandiose, epic and cinematic.
But too much of it is cold, humourless and well, frankly a bit wet.
Much was made of the commitment to musicianship and the production of Tony Visconti on this release,
but for the most part the tunes simply aren't good enough and too often Morrissey is dwarfed and drowned out by the lush orchestration.
Lyrically the familar subjects are there, desperate unrequited love, death and violent youth.
The homoerotic quotient is upped considerably, but while he speaks of explosive kegs between his legs, Moz sounds distant and passionless, and altogether too pleased with his own cleverness.
There is none of the muscle and visceral power of Irish Blood, English Heart, none of the warmth of Let Me Kiss You, or the easy charm of Come Back to Camden.
Seven-minute opus Life Is A Pigsty is certainly no Late Night Maudlin Street - it's not even The Teachers Are Afraid of the Pupils.
That said this album is not a disaster and even an off colour Morrissey is better than most musicians at their best.
In the Future When All's Well is fine and At Last I am Born good fun, but only really The Father Who Must Be Killed shows the old man truly hitting top form.
After the triumphant return of Quarry, this is a rather lukewarm follow-up.
Mozzer may be happier than ever before, but it seems to have left him lacking in much of the wit, the will and the wisdom that has made him such an affecting artist.
This is Morrissey as aural sculpture, sleek and glistening, but strangely uninvolving.

In a word: Disappointing
Out of 10: 6.5

FIFTH COLUMN RANT - The Nation's Yoof

2006-04-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Modern kids are rubbish

I went to see the film Kidulthood the other day and, leaving aside the lousy writing and melodrama, if that picture is in any way an accurate representation of the inner youth of today then God help us.
It was the most depressing movie I've seen in years.
The film portrayed all teenage girls as little more than sex toys if they're attractive, violent bullying bitches if they're not.
Blokes were even worse, arrogant nasty little gangster wannabes, as happy beating seven bells out of their girlfriends as they are chucking bottles of beer at Asian shopkeepers.
There were some half-hearted attempts to explain the youngsters' behaviour - boredom, latent and blatant racism, lazy or over-indulgent parents.

But essentially what you see are a bunch of nasty self-centred, vicious little scrotes.
The same nasty self-centred, vicious little scrotes you see at every bus stop in the big city or hanging round the town centres after dark.
All kids make mistakes, we all need a bit of devilment and there's nothing wrong with a bit of rebellion now and again, but there's a brutality around today that was never there before.
What's with all this apeing West Indian patois and calling one another 'blood this' and 'blood that'?

There's a real pride in ignorance and stupidity - of exactly the same kind as that so brilliantly parodied by the likes of Chris Rock in his "Dumb niggaz" riff.
Kids today - whatever their race, colour, creed or background - seem to want to copy the worst aspects of American culture not the best.
Rebellion is expressed in mind-numbing violence like happy-slapping instead of a desire to tear away and rebuild.
We're 30 years on from Punk, but today's youth would do well to learn something from that movement.
Punk may have been nihilistic, but it was also about creativity. About getting out there and doing something for yourself. About celebrating difference and embracing it, instead of simply sneering and taking the piss out of it.
By all means attack the status quo, don't swallow what you're being fed by your parents and teachers, but show you can do something better!
And for god's sake - don't be a twat in a tracksuit - it's really not a good look.